Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
