just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
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