I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
Pretty sure she's used to bigger guys. She kept slipping off while on top. like, constantly
I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future�
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Randomize
