Jerry, you need to find god
you would pick up someone in the library
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
Randomize
