I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
Randomize
