I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Randomize
