If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
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