So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
Randomize
