look no pants
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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