Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
Randomize
