I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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