I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
Maybe he injected his testicle?
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Randomize
