she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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