naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Randomize
