Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
so im kinda of nervous about the whole bust inside event last night
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Randomize
