Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Randomize
