i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
I need to sanitize my soul.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
