we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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