help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
Randomize
