definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
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