It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
Randomize
