"Monday" is guna come over...
but its Thursday?
yeah, but she cant make it.Monday can...so there ya go
omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Randomize
