i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
Randomize
