I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
Rub youre cunt and tell me you love me.
Your incorrect use of you're doesn't arouse me in the slightest.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
When are your genitals available?
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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