its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
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