i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
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