so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
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