at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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