I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
Randomize
