Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
You ruined the universe
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
Randomize
