my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
Randomize
