I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
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