And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
Randomize
