did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
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