i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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