he wants to bone in the snuggie
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
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