just come out here and I will go home with you...
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
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