omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
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