...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
My boob is missing a layer of skin
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
