All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
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