i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
Dick very happy bro
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
