I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
