I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
it doesn't count as moral degradation if you win the strip off -right?
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
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