If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
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