Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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