and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
Don't tell me you're on acid again
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Randomize
