Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
