You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
He saved me in his phone as Easy Jen. Should I be offended?
I wouldn't worry about it. He has me as "Sex Puppet."
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
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