well I can't set my house on fire every night
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
nutella sex= disaster
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
