You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
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