Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
Randomize
