Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
Randomize
